The Bonds That Matter Most

Why Love and Family Should Come Before Dogma

All I Want for My Children

All I want for my children is for them to be happy, successful, and fulfilled. To live lives unrestrained by unnecessary external forces. Whether they become a rosh kollel, a rosh yeshiva, or a secular mathematician, my wish is the same: that they look back from their deathbeds and say they lived good, meaningful lives.

I’d assume most sane people share this sentiment.

But sometimes, in our community, something comes before even this. Something that supersedes happiness, success, and fulfillment. Something called religion.

A close friend of mine is going through a difficult divorce. He and his wife were married for nearly 15 years, most of them happy. But when he stopped believing a few years ago, things spiraled. Now, his wife is pushing for him to only spend time with their kids under supervision. She doesn’t trust him alone with them - not because he’s dangerous or irresponsible, but because he no longer believes.

Let’s pause for a moment and take that in. This is a good man. A loving father. And she is a good woman. A loving mother. Yet, in her eyes, his lack of belief is enough to justify tearing their family apart. Why? Because to her, religion is like gravity. Immutable. Non-negotiable. Letting him parent freely would be like letting their kids jump off the roof of the house. Unthinkable.

But why? Why does it have to be this way? I can understand that religion is more than a set of beliefs - it’s a culture, a guide, a source of identity. I get that. I can respect that. But when dogma begins to overshadow love, trust, and your children’s happiness, something has gone deeply wrong.

The "Akeida Phenomenon"

This reminds me of the famous story about Rabbi Shimon Schwab. During his Pesach seder, he’d reach the part about the Four Sons and turn to his children: “If any of my sons becomes a rosho, even if only deviating from a single din or minhag, I will say to him, ‘Li, velo lo, I will have nothing to do with him.’ I love my children more than anything in the world, but I love the Ribbono Shel Olam even more.”

Really? How do we reconcile such a sentiment with the very love that defines parenthood? Is this really what God wants - sacrificing the people we hold dearest on the altar of religious devotion?

Another friend told me about the day he came out to his father as a non-believer. His father’s face turned red with rage. Trembling, my friend asked, “Do you still love me?” His father’s response? “Would you blame me if I didn’t?”

This is what I call the Akeida Phenomenon. The willingness to sacrifice love and connection on the altar of religious devotion. Like Avrohom tying down Yitzchok, parents in our community sometimes bind their children’s happiness, believing it’s what God demands.

Can we stop for a moment and acknowledge the sickness of all this. The perversion of this. Can we acknowledge that? It’s not physics. Religion is not gravity. It’s not a fundamental law of the universe. It’s a way of life - one that’s supposed to bring joy, meaning, and fulfillment. And if it gets in the way of your children’s happiness, something has gone terribly wrong.

Realigning with Reality

There’s a fundamental truth we can’t ignore: there is nothing more real than love, connection, and family. These are the bedrock of human experience. If your religion - your way of life - is pulling you away from that, maybe it’s time to step back and reevaluate.

I’m not here to lecture about what’s wrong with the system. That’s not the point. All I’m saying is that if you find yourself putting dogma before your children’s happiness, take a moment. Reflect. Because if there’s anything sacred in this universe, it’s the bonds we share with those we love.